I thought I had it figured out

Figured out | www.kaynijo.com

I thought I had it figured out.  Almost four decades later, I really thought that I had this thing called life all figured out.

Well maybe that’s a strong statement.  Clearly if I had it all figured out then there’d be no point to living.  I did think however that I had at least a few things figured out.

And then life continued to happen.  This one came from way past left field – death paid me a personal visit and left me in a weird place.  “Weird” because I can find no other word to describe it.

It was a state of not knowing; a state of doubting; a state of living one second at a time.

I committed to nothing because I didn’t know if I’d live to see that day.  I was living in a state of fear.  Fear that my loved ones wouldn’t make it home safely that day.  If they did, I feared that they’d die in their sleep.

I had a paradigm shift.  I majored a lot in the minor.  Three quarters of the crap that I was worried about really didn’t affect the price of rice in China.  The world was in no less of a balance whether or not I was working myself up over nothing.

I know that God is good

Jah Cure‘s song True Reflections (Prison Walls) helped me to face this judgmental world each day.

I spent my restless nights visioning faces – yes they (including mine) were crying. 

There were times when I wished that Jah would come and take me back in time. 

I swore that I could be a better man.  

It’s amazing how death can teach us about life.

If only you could understand. 

The faith in me shall set me free reflection.

The faith in me shall set me free, reflection

The faith in me shall set me free, reflection 

Over and over throughout my sleepless nights left alone with nothing but my thoughts.

In hindsight, I was desperately trying to convince myself that my faith was the only chance I had to be freed.  Freed from a “weird”, dark and imprisoned place.


Leave a reply

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>